I once heard (on good authority) that orphanages are often quiet places. Babies don’t cry for help nor attention because no one responds to their cries. Being a new mom at the time I was shook up for weeks when I heard that. And since then have read much about the We can train babies to not seek out comfort THAT easily? Really? Little babies just give up when neglected? It’s awful and gut wrenching. And yet there are whole parental advice columns and theories how infants should be left alone once all their needs are met. They should learn to ‘self-soothe’. They can’t. They’re babies. Humans cry out for a reason - they need food, they’re in pain, or just need plain comforting. It’s okay to need someone to hug.
Has our society forgotten this? Adult humans are expected to be stoic these days. Anyone who cries or asks for help is someone who ‘creates drama’. And if it’s a woman, then of course she’s hysterical. Why is stoicism not only acceptable but even encouraged? Just like babies, are people trained not to ask for help and comfort? Or do they give up after having hollered in every direction? Or is it both?
What does an adult do to survive a life of neglect? A job loss? A loveless marriage? A difficult child? A friendship betrayed? Does one self-soothe crying into a handkerchief ? Just deal with it without mentioning or asking for help. Isn’t humanity all about seeking help and connecting?
Surprisingly a lot many relationships, romantic and otherwise die on the silent hill. Teenage girls (mostly) hash it out and let it be known how they’ve been hurt and what amends need to be made. And then they break up with their friends or continue to be BFFs. When our friendships teeter we let go without so much as a protest.God forbid we're seen as needy. We shouldn’t grieve the time and effort spent on building a relationship, just let it go silently with dignity. Being dignified but lonesome trumps over being forthcoming and in a relationship. Lovers have spats. Marriages just die wordless deaths. Especially, the good ones. The magazines do tell us to ‘communicate’ within our community. Erm, except that the parent that goes to the school the most to fix pick-up times and recess rules is the one that is hated by both school admin and the PTA equally. Even though both benefit from the ‘issue raising’.
The person that consistently communicates effectively is a bloody pest. The one who’s ‘uncomfortable and afraid’ to communicate is seen as the silent underdog and martyr by the individual himself and society as a whole. Crying, arguing, talking and asking for help is somehow considered less civilized. And yet as humans that’s what we’re hardwired to do. N’est ce pas?
When our heads hurt, our hearts break, our guts burn and our egos shriek, why do we have to grin and bear it and keep calm? Are we supposed to see our rivers burn, forests deplete, children gunned and poor trampled in stoned silence? Or should we speak up? Holler, rave and rant. Or do we have one set of rules for the individual but another for the collective? No one tells us to see a therapist when we’re enraged due a social cause, but if you got your heart broken - just get over it. A therapist will help. And yet adults don’t get over it, do they? The human spirit cries, begs, pleads and hopes - because it’s okay to need someone to hug.
