The calm during the storm

I once heard (on good authority) that orphanages are often quiet places. Babies don’t cry for help nor attention because no one responds to their cries. Being a new mom at the time I was shook up for weeks when I heard that. And since then have read much about the We can train babies to not seek out comfort THAT easily? Really? Little babies just give up when neglected? It’s awful and gut wrenching. And yet there are whole parental advice columns and theories how infants should be left alone once all their needs are met. They should learn to ‘self-soothe’. They can’t. They’re babies.  Humans cry out for a reason - they need food, they’re in pain, or just need plain comforting. It’s okay to need someone to hug.

 

Has our society forgotten this? Adult humans are expected to be stoic these days. Anyone who cries or asks for help is someone who ‘creates drama’. And if it’s a woman, then of course she’s hysterical. Why is stoicism not only acceptable but even encouraged? Just like babies, are people trained not to ask for help and comfort? Or do they give up after having hollered in every direction? Or is it both? 

What does an adult do to survive a life of neglect? A job loss? A loveless marriage? A difficult child? A friendship betrayed?  Does one self-soothe crying into a handkerchief ? Just deal with it without mentioning or asking for help. Isn’t humanity all about seeking help and connecting? 

Surprisingly a lot many relationships, romantic and otherwise die on the silent hill.  Teenage girls (mostly) hash it out and let it be known how they’ve been hurt and what amends need to be made. And then they break up with their friends or continue to be BFFs. When our friendships teeter we let go without so much as a protest.God forbid we're seen as needy. We shouldn’t grieve the time and effort spent on building a relationship, just let it go silently with dignity. Being dignified but lonesome trumps over being forthcoming and in a relationship. Lovers have spats. Marriages just die wordless deaths. Especially, the good ones. The magazines do tell us to ‘communicate’ within our community. Erm, except that the parent that goes to the school the most to fix pick-up times and recess rules is the one that is hated by both school admin and the PTA equally. Even though both benefit from the ‘issue raising’.  

The person that consistently communicates effectively is a bloody pest. The one who’s ‘uncomfortable and afraid’ to communicate is seen as the silent underdog and martyr by the individual himself and society as a whole. Crying, arguing, talking and asking for help is somehow considered less civilized. And yet as humans that’s what we’re hardwired to do. N’est ce pas? 

When our heads hurt, our hearts break, our guts burn and our egos shriek, why do we have to grin and bear it  and keep calm?  Are we supposed to see our rivers burn, forests deplete, children gunned and poor trampled in stoned silence? Or should we speak up?  Holler, rave and rant. Or do we have one set of rules for the individual but another for the collective? No one tells us to see a therapist when we’re enraged due a social cause, but if you got your heart broken - just get over it. A therapist will help. And yet adults don’t get over it, do they? The human spirit cries, begs, pleads and hopes - because it’s okay to need someone to hug.

Decent Proposal

My whole life sometimes feels unvalidated and unwitnessed because I don’t have a definite tribe. I don’t align with people based on ideology, region, religion, institution or even hobbies. I mean Ravelry is hardly a place to discuss philosophy. Don’t get me wrong, I still do manage to find friends here and there but they’re an eclectic mix and don’t necessarily share my love for Spooks and Eartha Kitt (or even know about them). Occasionally I’ll find a 'WEST WING' lovers group on social media or even see my passion for LOTR reflected in Stephen Colbert and James Franco but I don’t actually hang out with them. 

So it’s only a tiny coterie of friends and some family ( the ones I like) that either listen to or read my diatribes. And as it happens they’ve accepted some of the lingo that I've spawned and some that I’ve appropriated. Let me begin with one of mine. ‘Smugly’. Not the adverb ‘Smug-ly’ but the noun I’ve coined. ‘Sm-Ugly. I coined it when I was telling my daughter about a man with good facial features, he looked really ugly because of the smugness of his expression. He’s so smug he’s ugly. Hence SmUgly. 

                                   

At a recent Yoga session, the instructor told us to "hold the pose according to your comfortability”. Why say “comfort and ability” and use two words when comfortability says it all. 

Hindi speakers will understand this more clearly than the non-Hindi ones. It's a simple phrase ‘What goes of my father?’. Basically means, no skin of my nose but since it’s a trans-literation, the joy it gives when used aptly is infinite. I take no credit for birthing this one either, it just fell into my lap.

A recently coined word by yours untruly is ‘Vapidoid’. It’s self explanatory : someone just posting vapid garbage robotically.  Of course I coined it for a particular individual (he stays anonymous) and my friend (he needs anonymity) who heard it first liked it a lot and came up with the idea to use it in Hindi as well. ‘Vapidoid kahin ka'.  Love it!

‘Try Hard’ has been in use for so long in my coterie, I don’t know of its origins although I suspect it may be a friend with an army of brothers. A ’try hard’ is  a social climber but mostly an unsuccessful one.  You just have to say ,‘She’s a try hard’ and it’s implicit, that the said person will walk on glass to gain notoriety.

Then there’s ‘analyzation’. No, no hold your horses, it’s not what you think. I once heard a teacher explain how students will present the ‘analyzation of their work’. Yes she meant ‘analysis’ but since then, every time I see Pundits on TV giving us analysis that they’ve clearly pulled out of their own behinds, I call it ‘analyzation’. My people know what I mean. 

My favorite self-coined word is ‘villageous’. It basically means ‘villager like’. Simpleton and rural don’t just make the cut like villageous. You know some people have that manner, and look - you know it when you see it.  Jeremy from Top Gear is a prime example of someone being villageous. 

‘Attachmeant’ is a word I wish I’d known in 2003. It’s not about love or infatuation, it’s simply the e-mail attachment that you forgot to attach. The one you meant to send. It’s concise and the intranets are responsible for this perfection. 

Words are mere words. Friendships and relationships cannot be based on words alone. Let alone made up ones. What keeps me bound to my folks is that we’re all decent people.  Not brilliant, nor outstanding nor benevolent (we could be though) folks. Just run of the mill - decent. We are bound by a common love of everyday niceties. We say our Ps and Qs, we listen, wave at motorists who allow us to pass, and if we’re driving, we let pedestrians pass and wait for another car to honk at them.

However there has been a depletion of decency. We need people not to click on the Johny Depp - Amber Heard divorce trial videos, we need TV anchors who don’t cuss out their guests, we just need to choose to do the decent thing occasionally. Worry about pollution, surrender nukes, share vaccines, food and coming back to friends, we should take care of our allies. Not provide them with ammo to take on an enemy they have no chance of winning against.